I love when friends link to my blog about how funny it is... and I've been boring for months on end.
So then there are days where it doesn't feel like January.
Days where you find yourself in the sauna of the small town radio station, chatting effortlessly for nearly an hour about the joys of house concerts, finding community and togetherness through music, getting excited about new projects*, and discovering and facing things about yourself.
Days when you load the email and find an accidental message written for someone else. One that leaves you grinning knowing that the efforts you put out there are appreciated.
Days where you visit a past labour of love and find it growing and thriving without you worrying.
A day where you finish a knitting project and you've knit to gauge the whole project through.
A day where you're silly and comfortable in your own skin.
Those days can happen even in January.
* I feel like I need to keep track of the details here, for whenever my Alzheimer's might kick in and I don't understand my own codes.
www.northumberlandsmalltime.com was launched last monday, so I was the guest on "art beat" this week.
I found a message sent from one musician to some others across the globe , it was sent accidentally to me, it was sweet and affirming and I might have cried a little.
I stopped in to the NUkeO uke jam tonight, the room was packed. It felt great to be an observer and to help throw in some playing tips where I could. I'm so glad I was able to let it go and that people stepped up to continue it.
I finished knitting a big ol'shrug thing tonight. Started with the intent to wear with my favourite dress in the world.. the one that I have to try to remember to not wear daily.
I have a temporary roommate again, I'm so glad to have Mark back. And I'm so glad to have the company around the house.
Even the cold can be warm.
Mid January and it's bi-polar tendencies.
I want more of everything, but want it in solitude- surrounded.
What's that all about?
The sun is beginning to win again. Each week it claims back a few minutes. The orange glow hangs to the west for a little longer and I feel less likely to dive off the cliff into the bedclothes for the remainder of the season.
Now if it would just bloody well snow enough for some snowshoeing, all would be well with my soul.
I can't justify a lonely trip somewhere just to snowshoe.
Or maybe the poles will swing and I could.
It's a new year.
I rang in midnight with a ragtag group of people who have come to mean a lot to me. I kissed each sweaty dancer at midnight and screamed "fuck 2014" while dancing to an 80's cover band. I didn't drink. My eardrums nearly burst.
Not a lot has changed in the past 365 days, no further ahead, but no further behind!
Here's to a new year, new experiences, new people, more dancing, more kissing.
I recently met a new friend.
And due to circumstances, nature and nurture and medication. .. they are for the most part emotionally neutral.
What does that even mean?
Well, for someone like me who feels too much- who senses your every flutter or shift of emotion, who can sense when you're "off" or your disinterest, who feels everything you're feeling... magnified. .. well, this is the greatest find, the greatest gift of friendship that can exist for this moment.
I don't have to guess.
And I don't take anything on.
I don't have to anticipate or react.
They are just open and honest and non reactive.
I love people. I love my job. I love my friends. But there are days when the act of being around people and absorbing their emotion is so exhausting.
But there is nothing to engage with but the actual person and the thoughts of this friend. And I just needed to write my relief down.
I spent an evening with this friend recently and after hours of talking I felt like I'd been to a therapy session... except, I've yet to find a therapist that I knew I could click with.... too much emotional transparency on their end, so I guess this is how some people feel after leaving the therapist. (I feel like everyone can benefit from a therapist, I'm not announcing my insanity)
No big conclusion today, no lesson to take away. Just really content and want to remember this.
For supper tonight I was trying to "be good". I made up a big ole bowl of salad.
I was even excited to tuck into it.
I grabbed my favourite bottle of salad dressing (a vinegar and oil based one- surprising because I'm craving milk again) and started to pour it on... then had a moment of panic. The expiry date... is it "day month year or year month day or year day month?"
I stared in horror at the bottle for a few seconds, decided it was "year month day" and stopped feeling so horrified.
I mean.... I couldn't have a salad dressing that expired in '05... I moved into the house in 2009! The relief lasted for about half a bowl of salad. Till I realised that if it didn't expire in '05, then it must have expired in 2012...
I gave up and made pancakes.
Fast forward to later in the evening.
I'm still craving milk.
Tea with milk.
There's none in the house and I'm in my pajamas... then I remember a box of soy milk in the cupboard!
Maybe I can trick myself with instant hot chocolate?